When the relationship ended between him and I,
I told myself that I cannot erase the past 4 years of my life,
Because the past 4 years, happened.
And he was a huge part of it.
The memories - good and bad,
I respect them, I cherish them, I learn from them.
People have asked if I am going to 'cut him off'.
Delete his phone number, delete him off my social networking sites,
Delete all the photos of us.
Basically, erase all existence.
They said "It is only going to be easier for you".
"To not see heart wrenching photos, or status updates, and the ultimate....
Relationship status update".
But I am sure those who know me,
Knows that I am not one who will just hide,
and take the easy way out when dealing with things.
I left all my "footprints" on his wall,
I left all our photos on the networking site.
I left all the pictures tagged,
Even the ones from that faithful trip the 3 of us took.
Because, I respect those memories. Every single bit of them.
And secondly, I am not ashamed, and have nothing to hide.
I want to bounce back from this,
A stronger person.
One who does whatever she wants, whenever she wants to.
One who is in control of her own life.
And is able to face reality.
But last night, I logged in,
And realized that she has taken down the whole album.
It's as if the whole trip never happened.
As if the whole thing between the three of us never happened.
If only, life was that easy.
If only we could simply click a button,
to "delete" "rewind" "replay".
But unfortunately, it does not work that way.
It does not change the past.
It does not make the present any easier,
Nor the future any less complicated.
That's why words like "anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, regrets"
exist in the English dictionary.
If doing that makes her happier, or makes her life easier in some ways,
By all means.
But all I can say is,
"I hope you are happy, guilt-free and can sleep peacefully at night"
Because at the end of the day, I believe in the saying,
"Never do to others what you do not want done to yourself".
Because what goes around, comes around...
12 comments:
karma's a bitch. I hope she finds all this is worth it, but good on you for being the bigger person.
very wise, and i adore how your not angry with the whole situation. Because not many people can do that :)
I think most readers would have worked out who the 3rd party is by now. I think the average person would have been consumed by guilt to pick her own happiness over the loyalty of a friendship.
I have been a silent reader for a while now, and I sincerely hope that you find happiness and peace within yourself. I know someone lovely is out there waiting to sweep you off your feet and love you for who you are.
Y*rdeh: Someone actually said to me today, that I am the better person. And I said "Yeah, I think I am" and then he said...
"But you don't have to mention it. You just be it... because people know". And I think he's right.
But thanks for reassuring me :)
Tam: I think I would be lying if I said I am not angry... because I am. But I do not hate. In some ways, I am actually learning to enjoy the situation I am in. To be free, to be able to do what I want, and only have to answer to myself. It is.... liberating, to not have expectations.
Anonymous: I suppose the world has eyes too, and even if I don't mention who she is, someday, it will come out.
But I am not so sure about the "consumed by guilt" thing. It seems like she's quite happy about the way things are progressing. But I don't know for sure, since I have not spoken to her since the whole thing happened.
I have come to terms with things, and accept the situation for what it is. So now, I am just going with the flow, and taking each day as it comes. I sleep well at night, I eat well, I wake up each day with a smile on my face - I think I am quite at peace within myself.
In terms of friendship though, I have certain expectations of my friends, and I expect myself to do the same for them.
I do not condone what she did. Perhaps I treated her as a better friend than what she treated me. But it all doesn't matter anymore. We have our differences in values, and I chose to not pursue this friendship anymore. Simple as that. It does not mean I hate her, and wish mean things upon her.
And as for the next lovely person that comes along, we shall see huh? For I am comfortable in my own skin, and if he comes along and loves me for who I am - great! If he doesn't, I love myself just the same.
Perhaps she was ashamed of it all and just want to pretend that you don't exist so she can live in her 'happily-ever-after' world.
From my experience and observation, long distance don't last. Especially when it starts being all wrong in the first place.
Totally admire your courage not making the move to delete or cut him off. I have also learnt from past experiences that sometimes, you can do all of that to run from the past but it doesn't help. I think facing it and moving on with a respect of the past and learning from it is a healthy course of action. =) Kudos to you!
So Mei, it's May 31st today. Are you ready to tell us tomorrow what you did on Monday, or how work is going, any new recipes you tried and tested, or any new Remy-tricks? You have a wonderful flair for writing, and despite the recent sadness in your posts, this blog remains one of my favourite reads.
Sarah: I can't predict the future, so I can't agree nor disagree with you there. I guess only time will tell. And hopefully, by then, time would have healed me as well.
@ster: I am actually surprised that so many are finding this pain inspirational. Perhaps in some ways, I am stronger than I thought I was.
I guess at the end of the day, I can run, but I can't hide from the truth... because the truth always reveal itself in due time. So I might as well face it head on. So, bring it!
Anonymous: Yes, tomorrow will be a brand new month! This week is in itself, a brand new week :) And I'm looking forward to every bit it has to offer.
This week will be a test for me, in more ways than one. Will definitely share later :)
Thanks for being a reader and leaving encouraging comments.
I shall see how long they last in this so-called relationship. I hope the guilt will consume them some day.
Anonymous: Sometimes, I wonder whether I will ever see that day. Or if and when I do, whether it will actually make me feel any better. I don't know...
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