Having Courage

It's been a long time since I blogged. And those who know me, know that I mostly blog when I am down. This space is like my "shrink". The sanctuary for me, to express my thoughts and feelings without being judged.... And wayyyy cheaper than a shrink I'm sure.

It was a big day today. It's been a huge fortnight actually. Not in a positive way too.

Today, I had a post-op surgical complication on one of my patients. When I found out that she needed to return to theatre, I was devastated. Filled with immense guilt and sadness. I lost my cool, and actually sobbed... Rather horridly. Uncontrollably.

But what got me through the rest of the day, was the fact that my team was sooo incredibly supportive about everything. My boss personally came in and proceeded to do the operation with me. My colleagues held my hands, and gave me big hugs - in attempts to console me. I really felt the support and love.

At that moment, I didn't care if I looked like a bad surgeon, or if I appeared incompetent. All I cared about what whether my patient was okay. Whether there was anything else I could do for me. I felt that I needed to do something to make her feel better... Anything.

But instead, SHE did the biggest thing to make ME feel better. She held my hand, and said to me "Don't beat yourself up. I know you didn't intend for this to happen". I thought to myself, how selfless of her. How could you be thinking of me as you are getting wheeled into theatre??

.....

I saw her again after the operation to debrief her. To let her know what happened and what we found. She looked much more comfortable.

She thanked me.... For saving her.

But little does she know, the reality is.... She saved me. But not losing faith in me. And for not letting me lost faith in myself.

Get well soon.