My little breathing space

Funny asked me the other day, why did I change my layout? and made my blog "minimalistic"? If you haven't noticed, I have removed the stat counters, and links etc. 

In a blink of an eye, I've been blogging for 4 years now. It's not a short period of time... especially coming from someone who never wrote a diary before. Someone who never had the habit of writing. 

I suppose, I just want to keep this blog the way it was when I first started it. For the right reasons, and not for readership or monetary reasons. I first started this blog as an outlet, for me to speak about my feelings, my mundane days, my wants and wishes, my tears and regrets in life. For me to share this with people around the world, and for them to be able to share their feelings back with me, to give me feedback without being judgemental. For they don't have a "face", for they don't have any friendship or relationship with me that may result in biased advice or opinion. 

It was a little space I could retreat into, say things about "him" that I didn't dare to tell him. Wished him luck when he wouldn't answer my calls. It was as if I could speak to him and communicate with him, when I didn't have the courage to dial those numbers that I remember so well I could dial them in my sleep... because he didn't know that this blog existed. I had no fear, no holding back, because he didn't know. 

But in doing so, I have gained some faithful blog readers, who liked what I wrote (perhaps cause it came from the heart) and I do have to admit that people like drama. People like sadness. People like unattainable love. - Which were the reasons why my blog then became popular. 

And then I found someone in life. And started to feel like this blog was becoming too personal, because it involved someone that is currently in my life. It didn't feel right to talk about our disagreements on the blog, when I should be working things out with him. I felt that I should share our happy times together, and tell him how I feel, rather than hiding behind the computer screen. He taught me to be open and honest with him, and to tell him everything. 

The bleak clouds started to slowly disappear. I changed from being an insecure, pessimistic girl, to become more accepting of happy things in life. I started to believe that there is someone out there, who can accept me for who I am, despite what I've done in the past. 

Gradually, the need to blog about my unhappy thought started to decline. Firstly, I was getting less of them, and secondly, I had someone who was willing to sit by my side, and share the sadness with me. Someone whom I told about my past, but accepts me for my present - with an open heart, and a warm hug. 

You gain some, you lose some they always say - It was also then, that the readership on my blog slowly declined, cause I wasn't updating as often, and partially also because I haven't been updating on the things that kept them coming back for more. I have thought about shutting down the blog. 

But, 

I couldn't, and I wouldn't...

This has been my only outlet at the lowest point in my life. When I couldn't share my thoughts with anyone else in the world, this was it. In that way, this little space will always remain special to me. 

It will remain my little breathing space. 

Which is why I've removed the links from my blog... because I want to be able to keep it real, without offending people in my life. I want to be able to write about what I want, without having to think twice who's reading it... just like before. 

Because deep down, I am still the same person. The same girl, who's still searching for answers in life. The same girl you once knew... and loved.